Sexy Gone Wrong: Erotic Album Covers Done Badly

One Two – Hvide Løgne (1989) Denmark

You are staring at the only known record sleeve featuring a woman shaving her underarms in front of an oil derrick.  I think it only appropriate that we pause for a moment of silence.

By the way, I tried to see if there was some rational behind this bizarre cover, to no avail.  “Hvide Løgne” translates to “white lies”…. nothing explaining the shaving and oil pumping.  Anyone out there have a clue?

 

Special Disco No. 42 – Allelulia (Various Artists) France

Oil derricks are one thing, pressurized containers of Natural Gas is another.  She looks terribly uncomfortable and possibly afraid in this darkened room.   Are they about to shoot a snuff film?  If so, why use it for a French compilation album cover?  So many questions…

 

Tijuana Fever – Carlos Romanos and his Latin Magic

Nothing wrong with the cover…. it’s the title.  Tijuana Fever sounds like a disease.  If you’ve ever been to Tijuana, you know that “Tijuana Fever” is something you don’t want.

 

15 Exitos Bailables (Various Artists)

What they wanted: A girl in a bikini sensuously eating a banana in the most phallic way imaginable.

What they got: A girl in a bikini reticently eating a banana in the most awkward way imaginable.

 

 

Foghat – In the Mood for Something Rude (1983)

I had to include both the front and back covers for this one so you could get the full effect of this album’s insanity.  From the boys that brought you “Slow Ride” comes a cover featuring a woman biting and gnawing at the band’s logo.  I’m offended, but can’t look away.

 

Lambahia (1980) Brazil

I commend their efforts at shooting for the stars in trying to depict the throes of passion.  However, what they ended up with was a woman dry humping a pair of pleated khakis.  Better luck next time.

 

Woman of Paris – Miss Vicki Benêt

I’m grateful that Miss Benêt troubled herself to expose a little boobage (or “néné” as they say in Paris), but would it have killed her to look a little interested?

Is it Mr. Benêt on the phone? Because she looks positively bored and disgusted.

 

Wanda Dee – To the Bone

I hate to give advice to the great Wanda Dee, but your men could use a little extra fabric in the loincloth department.  Frankly, I’m amazed we’re not seeing low-hanging silhouettes if you get my meaning.

 

Slappy White – Party Gags

Slappy shows us his hand and it looks like his ladyfriend will shedding the last of her clothes.  It might’ve been sexy were it not for Slappy’s shit-eating grin.  Now it’s just uncomfortable.

 

 

Lindisfarne ‎- Sleepless Nights (1983)

The same group that created “Lady Eleanor” somehow also created this cringeworthy cover.  It begins with an embarrassed woman and her aroused (or annoyed? I can’t tell) butler.  But what seems to be the source of this strange little comedy? Flip the album over…

Of course.  She doesn’t have any clothes on.  We’re in on the joke now, and it isn’t funny.  Even the Foghat cover was better.

 

Claudja Barry – Feel the Fire (1979)

Claudja Barry is an attractive woman, and here she’s wearing a beautiful revealing dress, she’s excited, the color scheme is a deep erotic red…. so far so good….. aaaand she’s being carried by someone in an asbestos fire protective suit.  The painted on “flames” don’t do the cover any favors either.

 

Orgie Im Griechisch-Römischen Freistil: Eine Klassische Sittengeschichte (1980) Germany

[Translation: Orgy In The Greco-Roman Freestyle: A Classic Moral Tale Rome Report]

What has been seen cannot be unseen.  Naked hippies in clown wigs.  Least. Erotic. Cover. Ever.

 

Fausto Papetti

Italian alto saxophonist, Fausto Papetti, made a career out of releasing sexy album covers – somewhere in the neighborhood of 250 cheesecake covers were unleashed upon the world.  Perhaps that’s why they chose to feature a girl taking off her sock.  After a couple hundred saucy covers,  the Papetti creative team were fresh out of ideas.

 

Slick – Sexy Cream (1979)

Are you picking up on the subtle innuendo?  It’s very nuanced and understated, so you might not see it at first.  Keep looking.

 

And finally, old farts and women…

I’ve seen this happen all too often on records.  Evidently, no album cover artists got the memo that hot women fondling old men is a just tad creepy.

Actually, make that a lot creepy.