If you’re in a horror movie from the 1960s-80s and want to get killed, here are some helpful tips for getting whacked. Along with each tip are your carefully calculated odds of survival. Good luck!
1. When you’ve shot or stabbed the bad guy, drop your weapon. Then, either slump in the corner crying or go check to make sure he’s dead. 30%
We’ve all seen it. The slasher has been slain by the damsel in distress… and instead of retreating to safety or finishing his ass off with a couple more stabs or rounds to the head….. she abandons the weapon and cries. Meanwhile the audience is treated to the killer, once again rising in the background.
2. Do drugs, have sex, or drink alcohol. 8%
We all know that the characters who engage in any sort of vice are in big trouble in a slasher movie. It’s the “good girl” that will survive – while her naughty friends get slain in creative ways. Why this became a “thing” in horror movies is something for the armchair sociologists to discuss.
3. When bodies start to pile up, the best thing to do is split up into easier targets. 12%
There’s strength in numbers, yet horror movie victims inevitably decide to thin themselves out when confronted with a threat. It makes no sense whatsoever, but it’s so much scarier to watch.
4. Go for a swim, 10%…. (or even better, skinny dip. 0%)
That’s Kirsten Baker in Friday the 13th Part 2 – shortly before her infamous skinny dip. You can guess whether she lived to see the end of the movie.
5. Follow the instructions of the police when they tell you to either “stay right there” or that “it’s only in your imagination”. 15%
Never – I repeat never – listen to the police in a horror movie. Their likely going to be dead soon anyway (no doubt looking through some dark wooded area or a cellar), so they should be the last people you take advice from.
6. Say the words “I’ll be right back”. 5%
Utter those four words and you will most assuredly not be right back.
7. Find a book about demon summoning or opening a portal to hell, then read it out loud. 17%
It sounds like common sense, but you’d be surprised how many horror movie imbeciles love reading the works of Lucifer aloud.
8. Not be the main character. 23%
If your name is not on the marquee, chances are you’re going to be long gone before the credits roll.
9. When being chased by a killer, run wildly into the woods rather than towards a populated area. 11%
There may be a crowded area nearby full of law enforcement personnel and plenty of citizens ready to lend a hand… yet horror movie victims always choose the deserted forest option. Go figure.
10. While being stalked, stand terrified with your back to utter darkness. 15%
Yes, the thing to do when being pursued by a lurking madman is to position yourself perfectly for him to appear behind you. It’s even better if it’s a window.
11. Stand in front of a mirror. Be patient…. he’ll come. 3%
12. When house hunting, look for an old one that (a) has a history of murder or (b) is built on an ancient burial ground. 19%
God forbid you choose the cookie-cutter suburban home with the open floor plan. No, you had to choose the creepy house with a backstory.
13. Go check the basement or a darkened room. 4%
If you suspect there’s a serial killer nearby, you may want to rethink your decision to explore the basement unarmed.
14. Drive an unreliable car at night on a deserted road. 5%
Really, any car on a dark and deserted road will do the trick; but your odds of non-survival are vastly improved by taking that Mercury Comet with engine trouble. Also, be sure to have at least 30 keys on your keychain, that way you are sure to fumble madly looking for the ignition key when being pursued.
15. If someone dares you to do something, do it. 0%
Taking a dare in a horror movie may be the most assured fool-proof plan to not make it to the end of a horror movie.
16. Take a bath or shower. 50%
In Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (1984) Sara (Barbara Howard) makes the fatal mistake of wanting to clean herself. For more than you ever wanted to learn on this, see Bathroom Nightmares: The Definitive Guide to Shower Scenes in Horror Cinema.)
17. Rule of thumb when stopping for the night: always choose the remote farmhouse or quaint rural motel over the Holiday Inn. 20%
Yes, I know you’re tired and want to rest; but, trust me, it’s probably in your best interest to press on for a bit longer.
18. If you lose something, always go back for it. 14%
I don’t care if it was your grandmother’s dying wish that you never lose that precious locket. I think even grandma would understand if you said to hell with her locket and got the [censored] out of there!
19. Go see a fortune teller. 0%
Trust me, it’s not going to be good news. Skip the fortune teller; go to a movie instead.
20. If you’re camping and have to use the bathroom at night – be sure to walk at least 2 miles from the campsite. 1%
Another precaution you can take to lessen your survival chances is to never change the batteries in your flashlight..
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