The Crazy and Joyous Tat In Greenland Studios’ 1969 Christmas Catalog

Greenland Studios 1969 vintage retro Christmas catalog

 

I simply couldn’t hold on to this 1969 magazine insert until Christmas; it’s so chock full of crazy garbage, I had to share immediately. Just order anything from our fine selection of holiday garbage, and you too could be a winner!

 

Greenland Studios 1969 viontage tat

 

What I’m going to do is show you the two-page scan, then single out a particularly intriguing item…

 

Greenland Studios 1969 b

 

Ah, but the charming and capricious Ollie the Owl is the least of our worries. Things get exponentially more tacky and strange from here.

 

Greenland Studios 1969 c

Greenland Studios 1969 d

 

What the hell is this? I can think of a lot of words to describe this, and “adorable” isn’t one of them.

 

giant face flashlight

 

Because clowns aren’t scary enough in the dark, we need them to be shooting light from their eyes and mouth.

 

Greenland Studios 1969 f

 

Greenland Studios 1969 g

 

Possibly the tackiest item ever manufactured. I wonder if that pincushion ever caused a problem when dialing.

 

rainbow fireplace

 

“Concentrate on the flames and envision a fantasy world as flames develop into intriguing, fascinating designs…”

(cough) Give me another hit.

 

Greenland Studios 1969 vintage retro Christmas catalog

 

Greenland Studios 1969 vintage retro Christmas catalog

 

I love that there’s a pack of Winstons in this mahogany organizer.

 

Ivory ring

 

Back in the days of cheap guilt-free ivory.

 

Greenland Studios 1969 m

 

“Be the hit of the office Christmas party” – this actually would be a big hit today, but it would be worn ironically (like those tacky Christmas sweaters). Alas, the days wearing cheesy, tacky clothing with no sense of hipster self-awareness are long gone.

 

Greenland Studios 1969 n

Greenland Studios 1969 o

 

A woman who wears mini colonial lamp-posts is indeed “a woman of mystery”.

 

Greenland Studios 1969 p

 

Just imagine the look on your guests’ faces when you pluck off the plastic flowers and lay them down as coasters! You’ll be the talk of the town.

 

Greenland Studios 1969 r

 

Greenland Studios 1969 s

 

No home should be without a set of asparagus dishes.

 

Greenland Studios 1969 t

 

Anyone have memories of girls wearing Sea Monkey necklaces in 1970? Yeah, me neither – although, I probably would have thought it was incredibly cool.

 

Greenland Studios 1969 vintage retro Christmas catalog

 

A “digital” wrist watch.

 

Greenland Studios 1969 v

 

And who wouldn’t want a key fob that plays the “Dr. Zhivago” theme?

 

Greenland Studios 1969 vintage retro Christmas catalog

 

Yes, the fake dead chicken has “a thousand uses”… and, I’m sorry, but not one of them is remotely funny. Why the plucked chicken corpse was such a riot back in the day is beyond me

 

Greenland Studios 1969 x Greenland Studios 1969 y

 

This is actually pretty cool.

 

Greenland Studios 1969 z

 

I was interested to see what credit cards are sitting in this 1969 billfold.

 

Greenland Studios 1969 zz Greenland Studios 1969 vintage retro Christmas catalog

 

I don’t know if I’d want to wipe with red dye, but maybe that’s just me.

 

Greenland Studios 1969 vintage retro Christmas catalog Greenland Studios 1969 zzzzz

 

Yuck. That moon bank looks like it was plucked from the mushroom garden.

 

Greenland Studios 1969 zzzzzz

I’ve got to say, as tacky as some of this stuff is, my grandparents would have thought they were the ‘cat’s meow’. I can just see gramps pouring his gin from this decanter with particular joy.

 

Greenland Studios 1969 zzzzzzz

 

If she’s that cold, I suggest she not go with something sleeveless.

 

Greenland Studios 1969 zzzzzzzz Greenland Studios 1969 zzzzzzzzz

 

I picture June slaving away at her ironing as she waves goodbye to Ward off to work… then, quickly transforming her ironing board into a bar and slogging back a drink.

 

Greenland Studios 1969 zzzzzzzzzz

 

Greenland Studios 1969 zzzzzzzzzzz

 

And you thought the Fitbit and its ilk were new?

 

Greenland Studios 1969 zzzzzzzzzzzz

 

“Watch him get moving without nagging or coaxing”. I love it.

 

Greenland Studios 1969 zzzzzzzzzzzzz

 

Dear God. A post in the near future on ridiculous exercise products is a must.

 

Greenland Studios 1969 zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

 

What in the ever-lovin’ hell? “Flesh color, inflatable, blushingly realistic… Now with bright pink panties, too”. Words fail me.

 

Greenland Studios 1969 zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Okay, I can’t go on. Is this catalog almost through? I’ve reached my limit.

 

Greenland Studios 1969 zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

 

Okay last page. I hope you enjoyed. We’ll leave you with a delightful wall hanging, perfect for any home – a cock fight.

 

cock fighting Greenland Studios 1969 vintage retro Christmas catalog