PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE has been unearthed which solidly proves Santa Claus enjoyed the company of beautiful women. While this may not be a surprise, it is a confirmation to the theory that Santa, despite being a 500 year old wizard-like entity, still has earthly desires.
By no means should we extrapolate that the man is some kind of sexual deviant, or even a Bill Wyman. What this evidence demonstrates, rather, is that while away from the North Pole, St. Nick simply gets a little randy. Much like Hugh Grant on a visit to Los Angeles, the temptations of a more liberal environment become too much.
I should also mention that all the photographs appear to be taken between 1970 and 1980. Santa obviously let his guard down during the Sexual Revolution. The Jolly Old Elf is a lot more cautious these days – even with an out-of-control paparazzi, no contemporary pictures exist of Santa in a compromising position. Like most people during the Decade of Decadence, he let himself get swept up in the action. Santa got sloppy and his mistakes were caught on film.
The immediately obvious question is: What about Mrs. Claus? Let’s not be too quick to judge. For all we know, they have an open relationship.
Imagine spending 11 months of every year alone with your significant other for 50 consecutive decades. Very likely Mr. and Mrs. Claus have come to “an understanding”.
What of the “Santa’s Helper Theory”? In other words, what if the man in the red suit and beard in these photographs isn’t Santa? It’s a widely held belief that, in response to a surge in the human population over the past several decades, Santa enlisted the services of “Helpers”. Could it be that Santa’s chastity is clean as Christmas snow, and it’s his horny helpers partaking in the horseplay instead?
No dice. While the facial features do appear to change from picture to picture, experts have confirmed that they all exhibit the same bone structure. Any change in appearance is no doubt due to some magical trickery beyond mortal understanding.
Next comes the uncomfortable question of whether this is just harmless grab-assing or whether it led to serious sexual encounters. Was it just flirtatious fun, or actual foreplay? The answer is that we still do not know. No photographic evidence exists which catches him in the act of consummating his passions. Perhaps it is for the best.
An issue which has come up quite a bit upon the release of these photographs is the problem of hypocrisy. Is it right that Santa punishes girls and boys for being naughty, when he himself carries on in such a risqué manner? The bottom line: Does Santa have the moral authority to judge naughty versus nice?
The answer is “yes”. As mentioned at the beginning of this article, these photographs were taken during the 1970s. For all appearances, Santa has reigned in his libido since then and gotten his act together. It is highly probable that Santa was subsequently much more understanding with his “naughty and nice” designations during the Decade of Decadence. Indeed, there is no evidence to suggest that a single child was inflicted with a “naughty” during those tumultuous ten years.
Finally, there is the incriminating affiliation with Hugh Hefner. A preponderance of photographs featuring Santa and Bunnies led journalists to check the records at the Playboy Mansion. The investigation uncovered the name “Kristopher Kringle” on the guest list for December 11th, 1976. So far, only Leo Sayer will confirm that Santa was indeed present that evening.
What’s going on in the above photograph? Sadly, so many of these photographs raise more questions than answers. Is it harmless tomfoolery or the prelude to some twisted fetish? One can only speculate.
An uncomfortable moment. There’s no telling what sort of psychological damage getting hit on by Santa can cause a young lady.
And finally, the most unsettling photograph of them all. The less said the better.
I suppose we should have seen all this coming. It’s astonishing to think that no one thought it peculiar that Santa’s female assistants were always stone cold foxes in miniskirts. Hindsight is 20/20.
THE END
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