Lois Lane in the 1960s-70s: Superman’s Helpless Half-Wit

lois lane (9)

Lois Lane was never the sharpest tool in the shed. Reading comics from the 1950s through the 70s, one starts to wonder if she has a mental disability of some kind. But, to be fair, you have to take these old comics in context – women in general weren’t exactly portrayed equitably back then. However, it’s still a lot of fun to look at these old Superman comics – especially the surprisingly long running Superman’s Girlfried: Lois Lane comics. Every issue is literally about (1) Lois’ undying devotion to her Man of Steel and (2) her retarded choices. Take for instance…

 

lois lane (10)

Really, Lois? You’re going to sign a scroll witnessed by “Satan, Prince of Darkness”? I have a nasty feeling this isn’t the smartest thing you’ve done all day.

 

lois 3

“Now that I have super-powers, you’ll want me for a wife!”

Lois Lane.  Setting Women’s Lib back a hundred years, one comic book at a time.

 

lois lane (8)

As usual, Lois is flailing about, getting injured (and as you’ll see, even dying at least a dozen times).     A couple questions though: (1) why did Superman make a giant stone model of Earth in the first place? (Does he have that kind of time on his hands?) and (2) How is it that he suddenly isn’t fast as a speeding bullet to come to her aid?…. it’s almost as if he wants to see her get hurt.    Hmmmm. Superman’s douche bag behavior is a troubling personality disorder that will rear its ugly head quite often as you’ll see.

 

lois_lane_013_00_fc

How dumb is Lois Lane?  This is a woman who literally wears a safe on her head.

 

lois lane (12)

His superhuman senses detect ‘serious commitment’ and ‘long term relationship’…. time to get the f**k out of Dodge!

In these old comics, Lois will stop at nothing to get the Man of Steel to be her husband…. whereas, as the panel above indicates, Supes wants none of that commitment stuff.

 

lois lane 4

Of course, let’s face it, The Man of Steel was no prize.  Watch as he maliciously enjoys the sight of Wonder Woman kicking his girlfriend’s ass.  What a douche.   (I would be remiss not to mention how Lois is rocking the miniskirt and fishnets in this 1969 issue)

 

lois lane (6)

Ever the jealous, self-conscious female.   I can only assume Lois is referring to boobs and ass in this panel.

 

lois lane (7)

In Superman’s Girlfriend: Lois Lane (No. 79, November 1967), Lois starts to freak out and have nightmares about a world where the ideal figure is skinny, and voluptuous chicks like Lois are considered fat. Oh, Lois. If you could only see the future – you ain’t seen nothin’ yet, babe.

 

lois lane (2)

Lest you think that Lois is some sort of spineless pushover, check this panel out.  After a catfight with arch-rival Lana, Lois is ready to straight up murder her ass!

Of course, this wasn’t the first nor the last time Lois would use deadly force to any woman who got between her and Supes…

 

lois murderer

You can only kill so many women, Lois, before the law catches up with you.  And not even the Dark Knight can save you from “the death house!”

 

lois

Yeah, did I mention Lois was highly emotional, prone to going medieval on your ass?

 

But far be it from me to lay all the stupidity Lois’ way – the entire Superman’s Girlfriend: Lois Lane comic series was cover to cover inanity. Take for instance Lois’ bathtub scenes…

lois lane (11)

Great Scot! What other devices did her “Super Hubby” build to provide Lois with her so-called “feminine occupations”? Only Miss Jingles knows for sure.

…. and speaking of Lois Lane bathtub scenes – Great Caesar’s Ghost! The picture below looks absolutely profane.

 

lois lane (1)

…blecch! Let’s move on and take a break from Lois’ sickening bathtub rituals…

lois lane (3)

Wait a minute… “I’m always bawling you out”? Basically, Supes doesn’t care for Lois’ shenanegans and is prone to put this chick in her place. ….I always pictured him more as a softy.

 

1970 LOIS LANE.

Another reference to her recklessness.  When guys do it, it’s bravery and fearlessness.  When Lois does it, it’s reckless.

 

lois_lane_1331

Look what you’ve done now, Lois!  If your foolish behavior can kill Superman, God only knows what you’d do to a normal human!

 

1972

Don’t beat yourself up over it, Superman.  She’d have probably accidentally killed herself soon anyway.  It was just a matter of time.

 

lois dead again

Like I said, Lois has a way of turning up dead.  (And who is this villain, anyway?  He looks like Sean Connery in Zardoz.)

 

lois dead again 2

Okay, now this is getting ridiculous.   How many times does this poor woman have to wind up dead before someone realizes she needs to change her lifestyle?

 

lois lane (5)

Easy does it, Lois. All he said is he wants a signal; you’re reading way too much into this.  He’s not that into you.

Perhaps, as a black woman, you’ll have more self-respect…

Lois black person

Do you find it a little strange that Superman owns a machine that can turn white people into black people?

 

Lois_interior2

Lois would get a reboot in the late Seventies with Superman: The Motion Picture, with Margot Kidder not being quite so hopelessly in love, and shockingly stupid.

They’d tried to update the character before…

lois freelancer

In 1972, they had Lois become a freelance journalist, no longer under the control of the male establishment.  She was her own woman now….. in tight hotpants and thigh high leather boots.

 

IMG_5411

Of course, we all know Supes was understanding of all of Lois’ problems because she stirred his Kryptonian loins like no other.  Here we get a rare glimpse at his (slightly disturbing) longings.

 

lois shark

“I found her boat – but where’s Lois?”

Ummm…. drowned…. about to be bitten in the crotch by a shark.    You asked.

 

lois in peril

Ahem.  To say Lois could get herself into some precarious situations would be a bit of an understatement.

 

lois 7

As usual – splayed, bound and gagged.    And, as usual, Superman is behaving like a douche.

 

lois in peril again

…. and yet again.

lois lane (4)

As you might have guessed, that button triggers the ejection seat. One wonders how long this woman would’ve lived had not The Man of Steel interceded  in many a potential Darwinian fatality…. perhaps, just once, he should have let Nature take its course.

 

lois dead

Trust me.  It was for the best.

THE END