TV Tops Issue 1 Full Scan: 10th October 1981

 

Issue 1 of TV Tops magazine hit the shelves on 10th October 1981. The magazine competed with British rival Look-In. Both featured articles and stories based on popular TV shows of the time – The Famous Five, Hi-De-Hi, Marmalade Atkins, Metal Mickey, Minder, The Professionals, Buck Rogers, Fame, Hart to Hart and Knight Rider. For added interest there were comic strips, too, such as The Witch of Westwood High, Bob Carolgees and his badly trained puppet Spit the Dog, and cover star Adam Ant’s life’s story.

Ant’s 1986 autobiography, Stand & Deliver, opens with a suicide attempt by Stuart Goddard (Ant’s given name), a soul-destroying teenage marriage and living with his in-laws. Time Out called it ‘A whirlwind story of sex, drugs, rock ‘n’ roll, suicide attempts and deranged stalkers’.

Those parts of Ant’s life story never made the final cut in the TV Tops comic strip, but we did get to see other highlights of the Ant story: taking Paul McCartney’s dog for a walk when Stuart’s mother worked for him as a cleaner, getting Marc Bolan’s autograph, and gaining inspiration from a book about how “gutsy and determined” Ants are. They are, thinks Goddard, “adamant”.

Issue 1 also featured magician Paul Daniels, presenter Sally James, Bad Manners, Madness, actor Todd Carty, comedians Ken Dodd and Russ Abbott, and popstar Shakin’ Stevens.

 

 

The magazine was filled with middle-aged men. The first sign of children shows a boy in the full grip of TV Tops mania beating a girl in the head with a large wooden mallet. We hope her whipped hair absorbed the blows and she lived to see Issue 2. Edgy stuff.

 

 

The contents were endorsed by up-to-date kids’ pals Oliver Hardy (January 18, 1892 – August 7, 1957) and Stan Laurel (June 16, 1890 – February 23, 1965).

 

 

“I walked Paul McCartney’s dog” – Adam Ant.

 

 

Rollerboots by the sinister sounding Maurice Vulcan. Who is Vulcan and why is he giving away free boots? Suspicious.

 

 

Little & Large were British TV stars. This is also them:

 

 

 

Sally James kept the dad’s watching Saturday morning kids’ show Tiswas. Bad Manners were fabulous. They still are. I once spent a riotous evening chanting ‘You fat bastard” at lead singer Buster Bloodvessel  who responded by throwing lager all over us and showing off his impressive stomach. Great days. The band were solid child entertainers, having recorded the December 1980 hit Lorraine, featuring the wholesome singa-longa lyrics:

 

For the first time in my life, I was so in love,
(Ha, ha, ha, ha) – Why you laughing at me??
I met this girl called Lorraine, she stole, my heart.

And when I find her, I’m gonna kill her,
And when I find her, I’m gonna kill her,
And when I find her, I’m gonna kill her,
And when I find her, I’m gonna kill her,
Lorraine, Lorraine, Lorraine, Lorraine, Lorraine,
Lorraine, Lorraine, Lorraine, Lorraine

She was so in love with me, we were gonna get wed,
So I bought her lots of things, diamond ring, brand new bed,
(A brand new bed?) – Yes a brand new bed!

And when I find her, I’m gonna kill her,
And when I find her, I’m gonna kill her,
And when I find her, I’m gonna kill her,
And when I find her, I’m gonna kill her,
Lorraine, Lorraine, Lorraine, Lorraine, Lorraine,
Lorraine, Lorraine, Lorraine, Lorraine

For the first time in my life, I was wrong,
Lorraine she was a flipping con,
Lorraine she took everything,
Even my brand new engagement ring,
She took the car and went to town,
But now she can no longer be found.

Lorraine punched me on the nose, so I slapped her round the head,
Then we talked the whole thing out, and went straight to bed,
(Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha)

But now I’ve found her, don’t want to kill her,
But now I’ve found her, don’t want to kill her,
But now I’ve found her, don’t want to kill her,
But now I’ve found her, don’t want to kill her,

Lorraine, Lorraine, Lorraine, Lorraine, Lorraine,
Lorraine, Lorraine, Lorraine, Lorraine,

Lorraine, Lorraine, Lorraine, Lorraine,
Lorraine, Lorraine, Lorraine, Lorraine, Lorraine,

Lorraine, Lorraine, Lorraine, Lorraine,
Lorraine, Lorraine, Lorraine, Lorraine, Lorraine,

Lorraine, Lorraine, Lorraine, Lorraine,
Lorraine, Lorraine, Lorraine, Lorraine, Lorraine

 

 

 

Todd Carty was also Peter ‘Tucker’ Jenkins in BBC TV’s Grange Hill, a show about a London comprehensive school. Carty would go on to star in Tucker’s Luck, following his attempts to get off the dole and find work in the “real world”.

It turned out that Tucker’s Luck was a documentary. The 1984 annual featured an article describing careers for 16-year-old school-leavers. Among the choices: hairdresser, motor mechanic, store worker, office worker, police cadet, and the army. Pay rates ranged from £28.50 per week for an apprentice hairdresser to £2,910 per year (£56-57 per week) working in a bank.

 

 

Join the Outlandos fan club for fans of The Police and win a free set of Ken Dodd’s teeth, as modelled by Prime Minster Maggie Thatcher.

 

 

Shakin’ Stevens was Wales’ answer to Johnny Hallyday, the ‘French Elvis’. The question was: does every country have their own Elvis, or need one?

 

 

“Where’s Mr Lamon?”

“His car went on fire.”

Went on fire? And he’s the teacher. Little wonder Tucker had trouble finding work.

 

 

In this week’s magazine for boys and girls: Max Bygraves, Eddie Waring, Cannon & Ball, Larry Grayson, Paul Daniels and The Two Ronnies. Combined age: 561.

 

 

Spitting is cool. Unlike Space Invaders it never goes out of fashion.