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What Retro Sci-Fi Universe Would You Live In?

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Everyone’s contemplated the eternal questions – where would you rather live, the Star Trek universe or the Star Wars universe? But what about the Logan’s Run universe or the Buck Rogers universe of the 25th century? Inquiring minds want to know. Don’t answer too quickly. Let’s take a minute to look at each of these and more, and then come to an informed decision.

 

Blade Runner

blade runner
A shitty dystopian cesspool, but maybe not too shabby if you like city life. However, the level of pollution and overcrowded dinginess is a little over the top, so I’d have to rule it out.

 

Star Trek

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Sure, it’s got a unified multicultural peace going for it, but how fun would it be for the Earthlings? Not everyone can be Captain Kirk cruising around the galaxy doinking every sexy alien that comes his way. No, the Star Trek Earth is a socialist communal never-never land. Too kumbaya for me.

Give me a holodeck and it might be a different story.  But that wouldn’t arrive until TNG/DS9.

 

Star Wars

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Unless you’re a Jedi, this Universe is pretty awful (with Order 66 in mind, it’s not exactly Disneyland for Jedis either). Tattooine and Geonosis are godforsaken deserts. Hoth is a godforsaken ice cube. Dagobah is a godforsaken swamp. Mustafar is a godforsaken lava planet. Alderon gets blown up. There’s the Ewok and Wookie forest planets – no thanks. Naboo is boring as hell. Coruscant is the city planet, but not exactly a dream world. Then there’s all these wars raging. Just hell no.

 

Logan’s Run

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Upside: Every woman on this planet is smoking hot and wears skimpy miniskirts. And you males can order up one of these dynamite foxes to materialize into your living room at the press of a button.

Downside: The whole planet is air conditioned and looks like an 80s mall. Plus you get exterminated when you turn 30. Yeah, I think the cons outweigh the pros in this universe.

 

UFO

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Now we’re getting warmer. Everything’s groovy and those Moon Maidens are the very definition of shagadelic. However, not to nitpick, things just aren’t that different. Other than SHADO headquarters) things look pretty much as they really were. It was supposed to take place in 1980, so I guess it’s to be expected. No thanks.

 

Thunderbirds

Thunderbirds

Giant rocket-powered vehicles that you can fly right out from under your living room in your secret volcanic island hideout and perfectly coifed hair.

Of course, this treads too near the so-called Uncanny Valley.  So, I’ll pass.

 

Battlestar Galactica

battlestar galactica

I never watched the new Battlestar, so I’m going purely on the original series. All I can say about these shows is – who the hell wants to be stuck on a space ship forever? Can you say “cabin fever”? No thanks.

 

Star Maidens

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This female dominated world was a Hotpants Paradise of stone cold foxes in short-shorts.  But, being a man in a universe where men are considered mildly retarded doesn’t sound too inviting.

 

The Jetsons

As mentioned in The Top 15 TV Sitcom Homes of the 1950s-70s You’d Most Want To Live, this is a sci-fi paradise.  A circular home in a space-age sky rise with all the modern conveniences you could dream up….. And yet, I think the wholesome vibe would get a little old.  I need my sci-fi universe to have a little “edge”.

 

Doctor Who

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Unless you happen to be a Timelord (or his luscious sidekick), the Dr. Who universe kinda sucks.

The Doctor runs around mucking about where things have gone pear-shaped. His Kirkian “inverse Prime Directive” attitude is quite fun, but it means you don’t get to see any of the nice planets.

 

2001: A Space Odyssey

2001-a-space-odyssey

We’ve got a base on the Moon, a manned expedition on the way to Jupiter, Pan Am orbital clippers, and Howard Johnson’s fried clams in space, f’cripesake. Can’t argue with the idea of chowing down on some good old HoJo’s fried clams while watching the Earth turn beneath you and phoning home on a videophone while watching old Monty Python reruns on my Newspad. 2001, here I come.

Yet, there’s just something a bit “off” about Kubrick’s universe.  It’s a little too cold and quietly foreboding for my taste.

 

Space:1999

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Another issue with being stuck forever… this time with lots of beige.  No thanks.

 

A Clockwork Orange

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A grahzny place with ultra-violence and dratsing. For the old in-and-out it’s real horrorshow. But too much krovvy and tolchocking for my tastes.

 

Blake’s 7

blakes7

Authoritarian government with an ill-equipped rebellion committing acts of terrorism… we already have that. Plus, every planet looks like a disused quarry.

 

Buck Rogers in the 25th Century

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It’s got all the benefits of Logan’s Run without the mass murder of all 30 year olds. The 25th Century has smoking hot chicks everywhere you look with all the amenities of The Jetsons. Plus, the people of 2430 obviously appreciate the awesomeness that was 1979. Discos are “in”, as is the Farrah look and the macho Burt Reynolds style…. and there are wisecracking chauvinist robots to boot. Indeed, there’s literally no downside to this universe. Who needs a freaking “holodeck” when you’re livin’ the dream, baby!

  • How on Earth have I never heard of Star Maidens? How long have kept this secret knowledge from me?

    • It’s one of those shows that seems great when you’re a 10 year old boy….but it’s all-on kitsch.

    • You would think a show revolving around stone cold foxes in sci-fi hotpants would be foolproof. Yet, I’ll wager you don’t get through episode number one. Very heavy handed, very boring.

      • Yes, once the aliens settle down in suburbia and act like a married couple it becomes almost unwatchable. I’m not joking, that’s what really happens.

    • Beppo1963

      I was just thinking the same thing, Retro Hound! Now I have a new quest.

  • We’ve been through this on Retrospace: Buck Rogers’ 25th century has too many drawbacks. “Cruise Ship To The Stars” features most of the problems.
    1. You have to eat cubes with a magnetic spoon.
    2. All the world’s best holiday destinations are an irradiated death zone.
    3. The noise and inane chatter from Ambuquads would drive you insane after a while.
    4. Disco dancing that involves “hand in…hand out” around a pillar box is NOT cool.
    5. Men wear tights. I mean, would you be seen in that get up from that still above?

    • Yes, it’s like the Ginger v. Mary Ann debate; it’s always in circulation among the generation that grew up with it. I wanted to try my best and settle it. I think that I can overlook the magnetized spoons and male tights for this everywhere you look…. I’m just sayin’

      • You had to use that photo….that’s the one image that I just can’t rebut, along with Tricia Noble in the tangerine dress. You win.

        • Tangerine Tricia Noble FTW

          • Meekrob

            Um, any chance I could trade this model in for one with eyebrows?

  • Peter Vincent

    Come on, living in Blade Runner world would be cool.

  • wiggle

    Battle of the Planets. I know it’s a butchered version of Science Ninja Team Gatchaman but to the young Wiggle it was perfect (and the young Wiggle is the only Wiggle who’s watched it. I’ve been too scared to watch it since; I want to remember it as it was).

  • TotalToyz

    Point of Order: The holodeck made its first appearance in an episode of Star Trek: The Animated Series. I don’t recall whether it was called that, but that’s what it was.

  • Hurri Cane

    I’ll take Star Wars, thanks. Also, Clockwork Orange is my argument for re-legalizing guns in the UK.