YOU’VE seen them – those needle-craft booklets that were so popular in decades past. When it was fairly common to construct your own clothes (a skill that fell off a cliff in the 1980s), these little pamphlets were freaking everywhere – from your mom’s sewing basket to the grocery store checkout aisle.
Each of these little treasures contained pages of needlework instructions and pictures of stone cold foxes modeling dazzlingly awful homemade clothing. But these booklets often contained another element … the Sweater Stud.
These men wore their sweaters with panache, and the ladies loved it. Sure, they often looked ridiculous… but they looked majestically ridiculous.
So, here are some examples of Sweater Studs from the 1960s. If you make it to end, you’ll be greeted by the Papa Bear of all Sweater Studs, The Grand Poobah. So stay tuned for that.
On with the Sweater Studs!
It’s a rainy day, yet this 1969 Sweater Stud maintains the mystery by keeping his shades on. Inside, he’s a bundle of awkward emotions and crippling self-doubt…. but on the outside, he’s one cool customer.
She’s wise to blend in with the locals – that sombrero will ensure she doesn’t get singled out as a rich gringo. Unfortunately, her husband chose to wear a sweater seemingly made of recycled newspaper. Bad move. They don’t take kindly to Sweater Studs in Tijuana prisons.
I hate to break it to this Sweater Stud (he looks so damn happy), but girl watching is about all he’ll be doing in that getup. His attempt at cool was a valiant effort, but I think it’s time to put the button-down shirt and blazer back on before things get embarrassing.
This, my friends, is not a Sweater Stud. Even the dog has forfeited his stud status by acquiescing to that ridiculous argyle Sweater of Emasculation. Just by looking at this man I know he collects women’s footwear, lives with his mother, and stalks prostitutes.
I’m trying to read this woman’s face – is it a subtle cry for help? Should somebody call the police?
After a long day at the office sexually harassing the secretaries, drinking gallons of scotch, and chain smoking…. it’s time for a nice game of golf. His always supportive wife approves…. with lots of help from Diazepam.
Could it be, this 1961 Sweater Stud is clamping down on his daughter’s arm a little tooforcefully? Judging by her expression and the veins bulging on his hand, I think he’s getting a bit firm with her. Sweater Stud status revoked!
I can tell by his grin. This Sweater Stud is up to absolutely no good. Is he pulling her reluctant hand closer to his crotch? Maybe, maybe not – but there’s something funny going on here nonetheless.
It’s not easy to confidently flirt with a passing bird when you’re wearing a fuzzy yellow sweater. This Sweater Stud obviously has cast iron balls forged in Korea.
Be careful of matching sweaters. They not only destroy any remaining shred of masculinity, but they can also emit a scary cult-like vibe. It’s too late for this Sweater Stud; the brainwashing has already taken hold.
This is easily the most phallic needlework illustration I have ever seen. This Sweater Stud has a firm hold of the shaft, his teeth clenched, and is ready for takeoff.
The true Sweater Stud takes time away from boozing and tapping chicks for some quality time with his son. Here, he has removed a book from a library shrouded in chicken wire. We wouldn’t want Junior accessing books on his own, would we? Learning always leads to trouble.
Sometimes the Sweater Stud experiments. He tries new things offered to him by his handsome roommate at the ski lodge who smells sooo good. Sometimes, it’s so pleasurable and just feels so “right” that you can never go back again.
….I’m talking about popcorn cooked over a wood stove versus microwaved. What did you think I was talking about?
I thought it was important to show you a couple sweater models who haven’t earned their stripes to become Sweater Studs yet. I don’t think I need to explain why these losers are certifiable Sweater Noobs. The could learn a thing or two from the Grand Poobah. Who’s that, you say? Read on.
THE GRAND POOBAH OF SWEATER STUDS
At last, we come to the most awesome dude to ever model a sweater. He pops up in various needlework materials from the early Sixties. Without exception, he is always the coolest cat in the booklets. He doesn’t just model for needlework booklets…. he makes those booklets his bitch.
I don’t know his name, but it is no matter. He shall hereby go by the name Grand Poobah of Sweater Studs. Let’s look at some more of his work…
He’s checkin’ her out from behind… and is proud of it. I swear he’s saying “Dat Ass”…. and she’s likin’ it. All Sweater Stud wannabe’s should take a lesson from the Grand Poobah.
Hell, yeah. He’s at it again. I knew the Grand Poobah wouldn’t let me down. This guy wore his sweaters like they were studded leather jackets; his sweaters were uniforms for girl hunting…. and he always captures his prey.
Aboard his private yacht, the Grand Poobah feigns interest in the open sea while puffing on a Marlboro Red. Meanwhile, his girl gives us a look that says The Grand Poobah will be well taken care of below deck momentarily.
So, I guess this is where we part ways. I’ll leave you with a portrait of the Grand Poobah suitable for framing. I recommend you place it in a prominent place at your home and office. Until next time!