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Hell’s Playlist: 10 Terrible Records for Your Eternal Torture

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You’ve just been condemned to everlasting torment (foul sinner that you are), and Beelzebub informs you that you will be listening to the same 10 records for the next 10,000 or so years.   The good news is that there’s no One Direction, Ke$ha, or Justin Bieber, in the mix – nor is there anything from the past few decades.  The bad news: Beelzebub’s playlist consists of these 10 records….

 

Gheorghe Zamfir, The Lonely Shepherd, 1978

Yes, you’ll be listening to the Pan flute for the next 10 millenia.  Sadly, it doesn’t improve with time.  In fact, it seems to get worse with each listen. Abandon all hope ye who plays Zamfir.

 

Scotty Plummer, Banjo On The Roof, 1975

If you thought the Pan flute was bad, wait till this annoying rascal starts playing his banjo.  You’ll want to kill yourself, but, alas, you’re already dead.  There can be no escape from young Scotty Plummer.

 

Pat Boone Family, In The Holy Land, 1974

No Playlist of Eternal Torture is complete without something from the Boone Family catalogue.

 

Andy Stewart, Andy's Hogmanay Party, 1977

Maybe it’s all well and good if your Scottish, but for the rest of mankind, Andy’s Hogmanay is the stuff nightmares are made of.  (Listen if you dare.)

 

Shirley Watts Accordion Band, Accordion Party

Accordions, Pan flutes, and banjos are bad….and yet, there is another much worse…

 

Koichi Oki, Yamaha Superstar!, 1972

That strange noise you hear isn’t the magic of the Yamaha keyboard, it’s your sanity imploding.

 

Hillside Singers, I'd Like To Teach The World To Sing, 1971

As you’d expect, also on the album are “Day by Day” from Jesus Christ Superstar and “Kum Ba Yah”.     This is low, even for Beelzebub.

 

Roger Whittaker, Feelings, 1980

“Feelings” is inarguably the all-time worst song to hear over and over.   To make matters worse, it’s sung by Roger Whitaker.  And to make matters existentially unbearable, it’s on a double album!

 

135

Don’t ever let Liberace creep up behind you like this.  Bad things happen when Liberace creeps up behind you.   Listen if you dare.

 

Just in case your mind remained intact for the previous 9, here comes Mrs. Mills…

Mrs. Mills with Rhythm Accompaniment Directed by Geoff Love, Party Sing-Along, 1970,

THE END…. OR IS IT?

Bwahahaha!  Bwahahaha! (sound of evil laughter fade out)

  • I should be thankful you left out The Legendary Stardust Cowboy. Ah, Britain…the land that gave the world The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Rod Stewart and Yes also gave the world Andy Stewart, Roger Whittaker, Bobby Crush and Mrs Mills. Very Taoist.
    btw, there’s a clip on YouTube of Scotty Plummer and Lucie Arnaz. It’s not pleasant.

  • I attempted listening to a few of these. Yamaha Superstar got the longest listen.

  • Princessofmirth

    Omg! My dad was a huge fan of both Whittaker. & zamfir! ! listening to this on long road trips was torture for. two preteens!

  • EmoKidSid

    (Day by Day is from Godspell, btw.)