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An Ode to the Mighty 1970s ‘Stache

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“Ya see, doc, I was just a clean cut wimp who couldn’t get laid if my life depended on it. Then, I grew my hair out a bit, got a David Crosby ‘stache, and now the chicks can’t keep their hands off me. I’m a wreck, doc. I don’t think they love me for me…. I think they just love THE ‘STACHE!”

Yes, it had been a looooong time since it was fashionable for men to really let their facial hair grow into big bushy beards and such. Certainly, since the Depression Era, men kept their face shaved or at least clean cut (a la the pencil thin mustache). In the early sixties, you had your odd beatnik and Castro beard, but it was by no means a mainstream look. But then suddenly, the lads from Liverpool showed up with long handlebar mustaches around ’67, and the facial hair explosion was officially on. Even the clean cut Beach Boys looked like unwashed hobos by the time the seventies rolled around.

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The Great Facial Hair Experiment (as I’ve just now named it) lasted all the way until the eighties. By ’84, it was back to the clean look. I mean, can you even imagine a bearded Depeche Mode? It was the end of an era.

Well, at Flashbak we’re all about celebrating the Seventies in all its wonderful hairiness. Let’s have a look at a motherload of phenomenal ‘staches.

 

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Quick. Draw me a generic picture of a person you would call a “stud”. Chances are, after we’re all done drawing, every one of our illustrations will feature The Stache. It’s become synonymous with machismo – you just can’t picture a badass without that hairy upper lip. It’s not possible.

 

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Behold. Here is a man who wears his ‘stache with authority. His expression mocks all clean shaven wusses.

 

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I haven’t placed this picture here just ’cause I love me some Burgundy Street Singers. It’s here to demonstrate how vital it was to the seventies look. The two dudes without the ‘stache just seem lacking – lame and out of place. The hair, the clothes, the ‘tude…. the ‘stache was an integral part of that super seventies vibe.

 

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Unless you have lost your upper lip in a horrible kiln explosion, if you are a guy, you have at some point in your life looked into the mirror and thought, “I wonder if I could pull it off…”

 

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The mustache is the epitome of manhood. All women fall at your feet as they behold the masculine power resting on your upper lip.

Sadly, it was porn that gave a trashy connotation to the mustache (i.e. the trash stache, the molestache). The mustache = stud equation was dealt a heavy blow. However, studly bastards like Chuck Norris, Burt Reynolds and Tom Selleck had left such a psychic imprint on humanity, that the moustache-stud connection will never be permanently broken.

 

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Mister Popularity. The local Burt Reynolds. Call him what you like, just don’t call him clean shaven.

 

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The seventies were the decade of manliness and machismo. Baby Boomers were in their prime, and now it was time to start broadcasting their virility via tight pants and mighty womb brooms. These were beacons of manliness the way a stag’s rack and a lion’s mane are signals of their raw manhood.

Mind you, the homosexual community took it up a notch, so I can’t lay all the credit to hetero seventies swingers. But none – I repeat, NONE will ever top the feather duster that adorned the upper lip of the great Neil Peart….

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I know there have been other great mustaches in rock: Frank Zappa, Lemmy and Freddie Mercury spring to mind. But none can compare to Peart’s gargantuan thigh tickler. It’s almost unfair that he could be the undisputed king of both drums AND moustachemanship!

 

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Just so you know, there was a point in time that EVERYONE on college campuses had facial hair. I mean without exception. Those opting for a clean cut look were ostracized until they learned to embrace it. It wasn’t just to attract chicks, it was a statement, baby.

 

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You have just witnessed why the ‘stache was invented. Enough said. Moving on.

 

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Leave your helmets at home; mustaches are the only required headwear on a motorcycle.

 

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What is commonly referred to as the “porn stache” is best described as a full bodied “lip sweater”.

 

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Would you buy candy from this man? His velour shirt and bling perfectly compliment his giant ‘stache. Well done, sir.

 

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Athletes in the Seventies sported their staches with pride. Reggie Jackson is a prime example, but many more baseball players come quickly to mind: Mike Schmidt, Rollie Fingers, Goose Gossage, Thurman Munsen, etc.

 

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Even inanimate mustachioed mannequins can’t contain their insatiable desire for the ladies.  Such is the power of the ‘stache.

 

 

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Of course, the ‘stache is not always a good thing. There’s nothing worse than a boy, barely past puberty, donning an outrageous ‘stache. It looks so out of place, you’d think it was Photoshopped.

 

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The Man with the Mustache has spoken. All who bear witness, heed his words.

 

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Let us not forget, the ‘stache was the perfect compliment to the ‘fro. Perhaps this man’s choice of attire leaves something to be desired,…. but then it was the Seventies.

And to send us off into the Eighties is Zorro, with one of the most impressive ‘staches I’ve ever seen…

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This is a Ron Burgundy level ‘stache.  Well done, Zorro.  The hipsters of today are bringing facial back… but they’ll never bring this level of ‘stache back.  Never.

THE END

zorro

 

  • mango de bango

    Love it!
    I’d also love to know where some of these appeared. Particularly the guy surrounded by the tigerskin girls (part of an ad?) and what looks to be part of a contraceptive ad.