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17 Insane and Disturbing Trading Cards

By on 19 February 2014 | comments 2

NON-SPORTS trading cards around the 1970s generally were aimed at kids and revolved around a popular movie or TV program.  They were meant for fun; for collecting and trading on the playground. Nothing serious.  Subsequently, it’s all the more unsettling when you run across an old trading card that takes a walk on the dark side.  Here are a seventeen insane and disturbing examples. Enjoy.

 

MOD SQUAD ASSAULT CARD (1968)

VINTAGE MOD SQUAD TRADING CARD PUZZLE NO.2 1968

 

This doesn’t look like a child’s trading card.  This looks like something a serial killer would pin to his bedroom wall.

 

MORK LOVE DOLL CARD (1978)

VINTAGE 1978 MORK AND MINDY CARDSb

 

I’m sure this was a funny episode of Mork & Mindy; but, out of context, this is just downright disturbing.   The idea of Mork getting it on with this mannequin will haunt my dreams for years to come.  Shazbot!

 

 

MORK FURRPS IN HIS PANTS CARD (1978)

VINTAGE 1978 MORK AND MINDY CARDS

 

There’s a joke here somewhere, but I’m too busy trying hard not to picture Mork furrping.  Did he just soil himself?

 

 

A-TEAM PROPOSITION CARD (1983)

The A-Team 1983 Topps

 

When I think of The A-Team I think of Mr. T and lots of exciting action.  I think of car chases, gun battles and explosions.  I’ll tell you what I don’t think of:  flirtatious preppy girls.  And what exactly was she asked that prompted this response?  I could come up with some possibilities, but they wouldn’t be appropriate.

 

 

SUPERMAN ADMIRES LOIS’ INCREDIBLE SCOOP CARD (1978)

Superman the movie lot 4 Topps Trading Cards 1978

 

Obviously, most of these cards are only disturbing when you look at them with a mind fully submerged in the gutter.  However, you have to admit, the way Superman is checking out Lois, the term “scoop” has a brand new connotation (especially when you consider that X-ray vision may be in use).

 

 

SUPERMAN II HORRIFIC TERRORISM CARD (1980)

Superman II the movie lot 4 Topps Trading Cards 1980

 

Well, isn’t this a delightful card to trade with your friends?  Which is worse to find on a trading card: Mork furrping himself or nightmarish scenes of terrorism?  The verdict is still out.

 

 

SUPERMAN III XXX CARD (1983)

Superman III 1983 Topps

 

Don’t get me wrong; there’s nothing wrong with Supes getting a little action – he may be from Krypton, but he still has needs.  That being said, it is a tad disturbing to find on a children’s trading card.  I believe, instead of bubblegum, the Superman III cards came with a condom.

 

 

JAWS 2 RAVAGED VICTIM CARD (1978)

Jaws 2 1978 Topps

I’m trying to focus on the positive: at least they didn’t show the mauled flesh and torn appendages.  On a slightly less positive note, they did capture the existential terror on this poor woman’s face as she frantically fights for her last moments of life.

 

 

JAWS 2 DISEMBOWELED ORCA CARD (1978)

 

Jaws 2 1978 Toppsv

 

Ravaged human victims, mauled sea mammals, bloodied baby seals, tortured porpoises, collect them all!  Folks, I think we may have something more repellent than Mork furrping himself: a frightfully gutted sea-mammal washed ashore.  This is not only outrageous to find on a children’s trading card, but also rather sad.

 

 

HAPPY DAYS ALCOHOLISM CARD (1976)

Happy Days 1976 trading cards

 

That’s right, Richie.  Sweet, sweet alcohol will wash your problems away.  Take another drink; you’ll feel better soon.

 

 

STAR TREK MOIST NAKED MAN CARD (1976)

1976 Topps Star Trek #75 Creation of a Humanoid

 

I think I’ll go back to collecting baseball cards.   The risk of running across naked elderly men glistening with moisture is much less great.

 

 

BO DEREK SPREAD EAGLE CARD (1981)

heres bo

 

Yes, there was actually a Bo Derek trading card set (to promote her new Tarzan film). I’m sure many a young lad “became a man” after purchasing a pack of these steamy cards.  But when it comes to raw sex, nothing compares to the Charlie’s Angels card up next…..

 

 

CHARLIE’S ANGELS PORNO CARD (1977)

CHARLIE'S ANGELS TRADING CARD g 1977

 

Kelly is evidently all hot and bothered with a look of intense passion; meanwhile, Sabrina appears slightly afraid of where this is going.  (Insert 70s porno music here)

 

 

BATTLESTAR GALACTICA ORGAN HARVESTING CARD (1978)

$_57 (2)

 

Does it really need to be said that extracting organs from a human corpse doesn’t have any business on a trading card?

 

 

GONG SHOW MELTING FACE CARD (1977)

Gong Show 1977 Fleer Card

 

The horror! Words fail me.

 

 

GONG SHOW FELLATIO CARD (1977)

Gong Show 1977 Fleer Cards

If you remember Rip Taylor at all, then this trading card has a very special meaning for you.

 

 

BEAVER’S FATAL OATH CARD (1983)

beaver

 

I swear to you, this is the actual card and that is the original text on the card.  For me, this wins the race for the most disturbing trading card of all time by a mile.  It’s creepy, it’s disturbing, and it’s haunting…. It’s everything a children’s trading card shouldn’t be.  Leave it to Beaver never looked so macabre.

  • foobar

    I believe that Richie Cunningham is in fact drinking a coke in that photo.

  • Michael B. Conway

    “What’s in the box, Beaver? What’s in the box? What’s in the booooooooox!!!”