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16 Retro Board Game Curiosities That No Family Played Twice

By on 18 April 2014 | comments 6

A WHILE back, we covered some pretty peculiar games; however, there still remain board game curiosities which cry out for your attention. It seems there was no limit to the imagination (and debilitating insanity) of board game manufacturers. For every winner (i.e. Monopoly, Risk, Candyland) there were a hundred losers. Here’s a look at some of those losers.

 

VIDEO VILLAGE

video village

 

No doubt, this board game is a staple in the NSA break rooms. “Video Village” has such a nice sound for a mass surveillance system; much better than London’s “Ring of Steel”. How fitting that it shows a woman behind bars.

 

THE LOVE COMPUTER

 

love comp
Judging by the pictures on the box, The Love Computer is just a series of compatibility quizzes which lead to sex and an eyelid swollen shut. The enclosed ointment can be used for both.

 

 

THE CANNONBALL RUN!
tumblr_mi6pgxzS8Z1s2xpeeo1_1280
You can go play your Monopoly, where you get to be an old-timey shoe, a Scottie dog, thimble or wheelbarrow. I’m playing Cannonball Run and being a coked up Sammy Davis Jr. dressed as a priest driving a red Ferrari.

 

 

TUMBLE BUMBLE GAME
tumble

 

“They tumble down,
It’s a funny sight
Trying to find
The hole that’s right”

 

Looks like dad found “the hole that’s right”. Let’s just hope the kids don’t notice.

 

 

BATTLESHIP
battleship
A highly popular game, and fun for the whole family…. well, except for the womenfolk. They’ve got dishes to attend to.

 

 

PIE FACE GAME
pie face
A game of intense pressure and humiliation… well, for womenfolk. Father and son get to laugh and keep score.

 

MINDMAZE
tumblr_minekxvRng1s2xpeeo1_1280
Why is this family game for “ages 8 and over” literally dripping with sexual tension? The way they’re placing those pegs into holes is like some sort of board-game porno.

 

 

WANNA SEE MY GREAT MOVES
great moves
Leave it to the 1970s to turn everything and anything into a prelude to sex. This game forces the artist to get eye-level to a crotch canvas – what sort of horny genius created this wondrous gift to mankind?

 

 

DEALER’S CHOICE
dealers
The game that fosters greed and exploitation of the weak. Swindle an old lady out of her life savings for the win.

 

 

THE HOBBIT
hobbit
You’ve landed on yellow, so pick a card. “Thorin’s Orcrist, The Goblin Cleaver, eviscerates the Great Goblin. Move ahead three spaces.”

 

 

MATING GAME
match maker
Another compatibility game with fornication in mind. The game included a 4-pack of condoms for the winners, and a box of tissue for losers (for weeping, fapping, or an unholy combination of both).

 

 

LEAVE IT TO BEAVER MONEY MAKER
beaver
Where in the Seven Hells is Beaver getting this kind of money? I presume The Beav is dealing meth or slinging rocks to build this mountain of cash. Hopefully, the game comes with instructions on how to launder it.

 

 

FLUSTER
fluster
You don’t have to play Fluster with your cross-dressing ginger uncle, but it’s a whole lot more fun!

 

 

THE MCDONALD’S GAME
mcdonalds

“Uh, oh. You’ve got Type II Diabetes. Lose a turn.”

 

 

RHYME TIME
rhyme
This poor man is trying desperately not to look up her dress.  “Okay, time to rhyme: Vigilantes, Shanties, um Panties – DAMN!”

 

 

DON’T CATCH A COLD
cold
Losers often experienced lethargy, mild nausea and a hacking cough, but “Don’t Catch a Cold” was still a big success. In retrospect, the follow-up game “Don’t Catch Typhus” probably was a bad idea.

  • Paul Duca

    VIDEO VILLAGE was a TV game show from the early 1960′s–there are a couple of episodes of this on YouTube.

    I know exactly where the cover photo for DEALER’S CHOICE was taken…a Chevrolet dealership on U.S. Route 1 in Dedham, MA (long gone, but the Volvo showroom across the road is still there).

  • Neal Patterson

    Speaking of the Pie Face game, there was a local kids show in Baltimore called Professor Kool’s Fun School where they lined up a bunch of these Pie Face contraptions and had hapless kids stick their faces into them, turn the crank, and say over and over, “Sock it to me, sock it to me…” until they got smack in the face with a pie. Even as a five year old, I could not see the humor in it. I’m surprised the Laugh-In people didn’t slap them with a cease-and-desist order as well.

  • Keir Heath

    They don’t appear to be enjoying RHYME TIME

  • LeeSullivan

    I had “Dealer’s Choice,” back in the Seventies. It was kind of like “Masterpiece,” but with cars. Sort of boring. The Vette on the box would probably fetch six-figures at auction today, though.

  • Mapster68

    I suppose that after playing the “Beaver Money Maker” game, one should immediately play “Don’t Catch a Cold” and hope that you land on the square that says “Free Penicillin Shot”.

  • mahatmacoatmabag

    I used to play the American game Battleship as a child. It wasn’t available in the UK but my next door neighbours were an American family with the Father working for a big US corporation at its London HQ and their son who was my age had the game .